10 Survival Tips for Barack and Hillary

It seems that tonight Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton are both attending the same rubber chicken dinner at a sold out event in Butte, Montana.

I happen to like Butte a lot (I stayed there twice this summer, as those readers who caught my crazed road postings might remember). Butte’s a blue collar Democratic stronghold, the biggest in the state. But it’s not got the same crowd you’d find in, say, Detroit, or Denver, or Miami, or Philadelphia.

Heck, you can’t even quite equate it with the rest of Montana,. It’s Butte, home of the open pit mine and the War of the Copper Kings. In short, a town with which one would be wise not to trifle.

With this in mind, Montana blogger Kate Jalton, who lives in Butte, has put together a handy list of ten do’s and don’t’s, to guide Hillary, Barack and their respective big city staffers, around any pesky….uh…pit falls. I offer in a slightly snipped version below. You can find the full list, in all its glory, right here.

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TEN TIPS FOR SURVIVING YOUR TRIP TO BUTTE

10) In case you haven’t heard, Butte is a tough town. Brass knuckled, ball busting, fist fighting, look at me the wrong way and I’ll put your ass in ICU kind of tough. Even other Montanans are afraid of us, and Montanans don’t scare so easy.

9) Have a firm handshake. This is critical. If you have any doubts as to the firmness of your handshake, practice with your friends. Because being told by every copper miner, welder and rancher that you shake hands like a girl (even if you are a girl) is embarrassing.

8.) Butte is a meat-centric universe. Our contributions to the culinary world include pork chop sandwiches and pasties (meat and potatoes wrapped in bread). So, if you’re a vegetarian, or worse a member of the Hezbollah-like splinter faction known as vegan, you should bring food from home.

(And if you’re a carnivore make sure to order your steak rare or medium rare. Only pussies order their beef well-done.)


7) Do NOT, under any circumstances, drink the water. While natives might be able to chug gallon after gallon with nary an ill effect, your weaker constitutions will be unable to handle the metal and bacteria content to which we are immune.

6) Mind your manners. Here in the hinterlands, we have not forgotten phrases like please, thank you and you’re welcome. Not using these phrases might be considered disrespectful. And disrespect will not be tolerated (see number 10).

5) Hide your Blackberry. If you’re seen thumbing through email while you’re supposed to be meeting voters, listening to a speech, waiting for your dinner order, etc., you will be regarded as a self-centered Big City braggart who is more interested in an electronic gadget than the people around him/her. Also, do not holster your Blackberry on your hip like it’s a six gun. You look like an idiot.

4) If you did not grow up in Montana or on a ranch elsewhere, do not wear cowboy boots.

It makes you look like a jackass or worse, a pandering jackass. And pandering might be seen as a sign of disrespect (see number 10).

3) If after the event you and some of your fellow campaign staffers want to go out for a little liquid refreshment, choose a bar near your hotel because our town does not have taxi cabs. We do, however, have a police force who would love nothing more than to bust the out-of-towners for DUI. And headlines like that do not a primary victory make.

Refrain from ordering any beverage that contains pineapple juice, peach schnapps, an umbrella or ends with the phrase -tini. Budweiser or Coors (in the bottle) and Jack, Jim and Jose (in a shot glass) are always a safe bet.

2) Yes, Montana is beautiful and we’re glad that you like visiting. But do not joke about moving here, do not inquire as to what a 3bed 2bath costs, and do not mention Ted Turner.

1) Do not make jokes about The Pit. Do not comment on the size of the hole, the toxic pallor of the water, the gritty nature of the soil or the fact that you saw it on The Daily Show. We saw that episode too, and it’s a sore subject.

Please respect the fact that for decades brave men did back breaking labor inside the mines of Butte to build better lives for their families. Recognize that the billions of dollars in gold and copper extracted from that Hill built the state of Montana and the nation. Be cognizant that many of the people you meet will be miners, retired miners or the children of miners who are proud of the work done in those mines.

So, don’t think that because we crack-wise about our local eyesore that you can do the same because you are a foreign interloper who should learn to mind his manners (see number 10).

Should you follow these ten tips, (particularly number 10) then it is likely that your visit to Butte will be an enjoyable one.

We hope to see you again before the general election, but we know that it isn’t likely.

(photo of Obama at the M&M Bar and Cafe from the Montana Standard.)