Domestic & Relationship Violence - the nation's internal war zone

How I Turned from Violence to Healing and Reconciliation

Devon Gaster in Classroom, via Devon Gaster
WLA Guest
Written by WLA Guest

By Devon Gaster

I sat in a tiny, crowded cell at the San Francisco County Jail, contemplating how I had ended up there. This was not supposed to happen to someone like me — a successful businessman from a conservative Catholic family, who was a former high school athlete, Boy Scout, and altar boy. I had graduated from a prestigious university and never been in trouble with the law before.

Yet just days earlier, on August 18, 1997, I had committed a crime and — even more devastating — caused serious harm to the people I loved the most. I’d fought physically with my ex-wife as we were ending our 10-year relationship, injuring her so badly that she ended up in the emergency room at the local hospital the next day. Their staff called the San Francisco Police Department and I was arrested in front of our 7-year-old daughter and all our neighbors, shortly after.

I wish I could say here that I was immediately remorseful, that I recognized the emotional and physical pain I’d inflicted on my ex-wife and daughter, took personal responsibility, and sought to rectify the damage. Alas, as is the case with many people who cause harm, my first reaction was to blame others for my behavior and to minimize the suffering I’d caused.

It’s common for cases of domestic violence to end here. Perhaps the
perpetrator goes to jail or their spouse files a restraining order. But even when there is legal accountability (which happens only rarely), the person who caused harm often doesn’t change their underlying beliefs or learn how to engage in relationships nonviolently. Luckily for me, at my preliminary hearing, the judge ordered me to attend a restorative justice-focused batterer’s treatment program called Manalive. Thanks to that intervention, and the support of many mentors along the way, I was able to heal myself and my family.

Since then have worked in the violence prevention field throughout the Bay Area for the past 27 years.

Here’s my definition of restorative justice: When a person causes harm to another person or people in a community, they hold themselves accountable for the negative impact they caused and ask what can be done to heal that harm. A plan is usually created through a third-party mediator, bringing all parties into contact in a way that protects the victim and the community from further harm. Once the plan is created and accepted by all parties, then the perpetrator follows through with agreements to restore and attempt to heal the damage they have caused.

The Manalive program took perpetrators of intimate partner violence through this restorative justice process.

Started in the 1980s at the Marin Abused Woman’s Shelter, it was designed by counselors, social workers and violence survivors in an attempt to educate men about intimate partner violence and give them tools to stop their abuse. It was based on advocacy and accountability, and followed a peer education model where men who had been in the program longer taught the material to newer members. This allowed the men to demonstrate that they were internalizing the material. It also helped the men hold each other accountable and give feedback without advice or judgment. It fostered an environment where participants felt supported and safe, allowing them to become vulnerable and honest. The program has since closed, but has inspired several other, similar nonviolence programs aimed at men.

When I started attending my program at Manalive, I was living in the warehouse where I ran my florist business and sleeping in my van. I was also under a restraining order that prevented me from returning home or seeing my daughter.

My first night at Manalive I was asked to share my story and be accountable for my violence. I wasn’t ready.

Instead, I followed the pattern of so many newcomers before and after me. I gave a sugarcoated version of events, blamed my ex-wife for the conflict and took no accountability for my own actions.

But as the weeks went by, I became more comfortable with the class and the facilitator. I learned about the many forms of intimate partner violence including financial, sexual, emotional, verbal, racial, and spiritual abuse. I became aware that I had been gaslighting my ex-wife for years and lying to friends and family about my abuse. I gained new insight into the many unhealthy beliefs I had learned from family, peers, religion, media and society about male privilege, and what the program called the Male Role Belief System. This system upholds certain ideals and standards for men that I thought were acceptable and expected of me as a man. These standards included the belief that men have to prove they’re better than others, that they can’t show vulnerability, and that they must take a dominant role in romantic and family relationships. These toxic beliefs made me feel superior to my wife and contributed to my decision to engage in abusive behaviors.

Fast forward a year later: I avoided any additional time in jail, was given three years’ probation and successfully completed my 52-week batterer’s treatment program. Family court granted me visitation to restore my relationship with our daughter and I eventually received 50 percent custody.

During this time, I fathered another daughter with a woman who I had known for many years. Although we ultimately decided to part ways, I had learned enough skills through the program that we were able to end things peacefully and remain friends. I remained active in my younger daughter’s life as well.

But I knew my journey wasn’t finished. I continued attending the Manalive
meetings after I graduated because I needed more support in my recovery. I was determined to work on developing a healthy co-parent relationship with my ex-wife. I attended parenting workshops, read books, and engaged in individual therapy. I stopped trying to gain forgiveness from my ex-wife and worked on changing myself. Gradually things improved between us and our daughter was also able to heal.

Today, my journey has come full circle. While still in the Manalive program, I began doing outreach presentations about restorative justice to community-based organizations, and to high school students. I became a group facilitator for Manalive and then worked for 14 years in the San Francisco County jail with the Resolve to Stop the Violence Project, where I educated and supported inmates who had committed domestic abuse and other violent offenses.

In 2007, I founded the Men Creating Peace program in Oakland, which was my own much-expanded version of the Manalive curriculum.

Since then, I have helped over 1,000 men in community classes, jails and prison move through the restorative justice process. The nonprofit closed earlier this year but I continue to counsel individual clients who struggle with anger and abusive behaviors.

What I have learned over more than 30 years of restorative justice work is the following: If a person who has caused harm is held accountable, and takes responsibility for the harm that they caused, it is possible for them to heal and to change. Those who continue to make excuses and to blame others for their behavior are extremely difficult to help.

The difference between whether someone embraces accountability or not is influenced by a program’s approach. To have a chance at success, I believe programs for perpetrators of domestic violence need to treat participants as humans—that is, with kindness, compassion, love and understanding. Men who are mandated to attend batterer’s intervention classes tend to be very afraid and defensive. Not judging them or labeling them as bad or evil helps break down their resistance and allows healing to begin. This approach won’t work with every man, but it will with most men.

Last, if we want men to change it is important to provide them with the tools to do so, and to support them in making different choices when faced with challenges in their lives. Keeping things simple and giving men alternative coping strategies is the key to success. The process is gradual and doesn’t happen right away, so patience is very important.

In my case, the person I am today is unrecognizable from the man who sat in that tiny jail cell all those years ago. I was able to heal my relationship with my ex-wife and peacefully co-parent our daughter. My ex-wife has forgiven me.

In 2006 I remarried, and I enjoy a very happy and healthy relationship with my current partner.

Yet, to this day I remain in a lifelong recovery process working to refrain from my old behaviors. My hope is that this story helps inspire men and women who are engaged in intimate partner violence to seek counseling to stop their abuse. Together with the thousands of people I’ve worked with over the years, people like me are proof that healing and nonviolence are possible.

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Devon Gaster

Author Devon Gaster is the founder of Men Creating Peace, a nonprofit education program committed to helping people restore connections to themselves, their intimate partners, their families, and their communities. He has been educating men for over 27 years on the impacts of intimate partner violence, and is a certified violence intervention group facilitator and advocate for restorative justice. Gaster is now based in Olympia Washington and continues to provide individual anger management counseling and presentations on violence prevention.

This story was produced in collaboration with the California Health Report.

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