by Yenni Rivera
“I understand, take your time.”
That was a text I sent to my ex-husband as part of my family’s healing process, made possible with the help of a restorative justice program located in Los Angeles.
If anyone had said when I escaped the abusive relationship that I would one day have a respectful conversation with my ex, I would have been shocked. This was the father of my son, the man to whom I once gave vows of love. But he was also the man who stole my savings, my vehicle, and left me homeless with a baby and bruised-up body.
I went from fear to anger to disgust to hate. Though there were days in which I had glimpses of hope in my heart — there was mostly mourning. I had to mourn that my son would never live in a home with his mother and father. I mourned that the eternal vows given to me were full of deception, mourned that the man I met never truly existed, and that all my dreams would be delayed or erased.
My bruises went from violet to royal blue to a shade of light red as my heart learned acceptance. With so much pain then, how did I get to the moment of sending that text? It was a decade-long journey but one, in the end, I am glad I took because of where I am now.
When I became a single mom, I learned early on that support groups would be the ointment to my soul. I tried a few before I found Celebrate Recovery, a faith-based program at Oasis LA, a church located on Normandy Avenue, in Los Angeles.
Celebrate Recovery spoke to my spirit on my darkest days. I was in therapy, but listening to stories similar to mine in the Celebrate Recovery group made me feel less alone in the wilderness. After months of attending, when my ex reached out, I asked if he would attend on his own. But after a few meetings he went back to his usual ways.
I continued my restorative justice journey and learned slowly to create boundaries through therapy and with the help of my Celebrate Recovery mentor. A year into the process, I learned to say, “We’ll continue this conversation when your tone changes,” whenever my ex got aggressive.
I learned to block his calls if I felt I needed time. I also learned to be OK when he disappeared for months, because this was my walk on my terms.
I made a decision that I was not going to raise my son with hatred. I was going to show him grace in an empowering way.
Brokenness was what led me to attract a broken soul and what led my ex to have such anger at life. It became my goal to bring about restoration. I knew my son would want to know who his birth father was, and his story. As my healing journey was on its way, my son’s began. By then, he was in elementary school and his curiosity had grown to questions. I had done enough work with our therapists over the years to know how to address these in a healthy way. Yet, as much as I was honest for his age about my journey, he was now asking for answers that only his birth father had.
My ex had fallen into homelessness due to addiction, and I had no idea where he was. I spent a couple of years reaching out to all the past emails and social media I could locate. I asked his mother to connect us, but as he was not ready to face us, he avoided me. By then I was employed by Los Angeles County, working in homeless services, in the hope of improving them. I also had my own vehicle again. I could provide for my son, and though we were still living doubled up in my parents’ living room, we were happy.
At the same time my ex was in a horrible situation. I was suddenly tested as to whether I would continue the restoration journey with my son or instead celebrate my ex’s downfall.
I chose forgiveness. I cry as I write this because forgiveness is just a word, but what a path it was to arrive there.
It is a walk for the brave, for you have to learn to let go. For me, this meant letting go to God. This led me to kindness and understanding.
Eventually, my ex responded to my messages. I always made sure to re-read them before sending return emails, to make sure they were respectful. I hoped he would learn to reply back the same way. Simple words with grace.
After a year of messaging, we planned for us all to meet. By then I had met a good man and was engaged. But not once did my fiancé discourage me. On the contrary, he would often take me on rides around town at sunset to mentally decompress.
It was my now husband who drove us to our first meeting. He even bought my ex lunch. My son chose his favorite Denny’s selections, so it was an abundant meal. Luke had a Dad now who was also showing him a walk toward restoration.
It took my ex an hour to show up as he walked around the block nervously. He hadn’t seen us in years and there was a sense of shame. I tried make sure that he knew we understood, and would wait until he was ready.
I saw my son’s curious eyes as he tried to absorb my ex’s facial features, and heard his innocent voice ask my ex questions like, “Are you OK out here? Are you safe?”
It made my heart feel as if the last stitch was being removed. My son hugged him with no judgement. They will never have a relationship, but both periodically check on each other and exchange gifts. Most importantly, my son’s questions were answered by the person who needed to be held accountable. My heart is now unburdened.
If I could give a last message to those reading this, it would be to choose restorative justice as part of your healing journey when possible.
I will always carry a scar in my soul, but it no longer bleeds. I don’t face questions from my son that I am unable to answer. It took nearly a decade, but making sure both my son’s and my heart were ready was the best decision.
Do it on your terms, and make sure you are walking toward it at every step. Rushing the journey may lead to delayed justice. But not working to make progress will delay justice as well.
To see the person who once caused you unimaginable pain being held accountable brings catharsis. An empowering energy surrounds you with comfort.
Before I close, I’ll leave you with a quote I carry in my heart. It is from Rev. Martin Luther King Jr.
“True peace is not merely the absence of tension,” he said. “It is the presence of justice.”
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If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic violence, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 for support and referrals, or text “START” to 88788.
The National Domestic Violence Hotline also offers support, education and advocacy specifically for teenagers and young adults ages 13 through 26. Young people with questions or concerns about their romantic relationships, concerned friends or family members, teachers, counselors and other service providers can reach out through the website www.loveisrespect.org , via phone at 1-866-331-9474, or text LOVEIS to 22522.
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This story was produced in partnership with the California Health Report.